Understanding the Proper Use of Passive, Passive-Aggressive, Assertive, and Aggressive Behavior in Relationships

In relationships, communication is more than just what we say — it’s how we say it. And often, our tone, body language, and emotional delivery say more than the words themselves. Many couples find themselves stuck in cycles of miscommunication, not because they don’t love each other, but because they haven’t learned how to use — and when to avoid — certain communication styles.

Let’s break down four common communication behaviors: Passive, Passive-Aggressive, Assertive, and Aggressive, and explore how they show up in relationships — the healthy, the harmful, and the redemptive.

1. Passive Behavior – When Silence Speaks Loudly

Definition: Passive communicators avoid expressing their thoughts, feelings, or needs. They often give up their power to keep the peace or avoid conflict.

In Relationships:

• Avoids disagreements but builds silent resentment.

• Says things like “I’m fine” when they’re not.

• May silently comply with decisions but feel unseen or unheard.

Proper Use:

• Short-term grace: Being passive can sometimes give space for emotions to settle, especially during a heated moment. But silence shouldn’t be a long-term solution.

• Spiritual perspective: Jesus taught the value of meekness — but meekness is not weakness. It's strength under control. Passivity without boundaries can lead to emotional invisibility.

Warning: If you never speak your truth, you may slowly lose your voice — and the intimacy that comes with being truly known.

2. Passive-Aggressive Behavior – The Indirect Strike

Definition: Passive-aggressive behavior masks anger or frustration with sarcasm, sabotage, or indirect expressions of resentment.

In Relationships:

• Uses backhanded compliments or silent treatment.

• “Forgets” to do things on purpose.

• Smiles on the outside, stews on the inside.

Proper Use:

• There is no healthy use of passive-aggression. It’s often a coping strategy for people who feel powerless but still want control.

Spiritual Commentary:

• Scripture warns against bitterness (Ephesians 4:31). Passive-aggression is often bitterness in disguise. It poisons intimacy while keeping pride intact. Healing begins with honest confession and a willingness to communicate clearly.

Challenge: If you catch yourself being passive-aggressive, ask, “What am I really feeling? What do I need to say but am afraid to?”

3. Assertive Behavior – The Gold Standard

Definition: Assertiveness is the respectful expression of needs, feelings, and boundaries. It honors both self and others.

In Relationships:

• Uses “I” statements like “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”

• Sets healthy boundaries without shame or guilt.

• Is honest without being harsh.

Proper Use:

• Always appropriate. Assertiveness creates space for love, safety, and growth. It builds intimacy through truth and respect.

Spiritual Insight:

• Jesus was the ultimate model of assertiveness. He flipped tables when necessary and spoke truth with clarity — but always with love and purpose. Assertiveness allows us to be truthful without sinning (Ephesians 4:26).

Practice: If it’s scary to be assertive, remember that love rejoices in the truth (1 Corinthians 13:6). Honesty is a form of love.

4. Aggressive Behavior – The Intimacy Killer

Definition: Aggressive communication seeks to dominate, control, or punish. It disregards the needs and feelings of others.

In Relationships:

• Uses threats, yelling, criticism, or manipulation.

• Blames others constantly.

• Says things like “You’re too sensitive” or “This is your fault.”

Proper Use:

• Very rare. There may be moments where a strong, immediate defense is needed (e.g., protection during crisis), but aggression should never be a normal relational tool.

Spiritual Warning:

• Aggression can turn righteous anger into sin (James 1:20). It damages trust, silences vulnerability, and often reflects deep unhealed wounds.

Consider This: If aggression is present in your relationship, healing must start with repentance, accountability, and often the help of a counselor or spiritual advisor.

Final Reflection: What Kind of Communicator Are You Becoming?

We all fall into unhealthy patterns at times. The goal isn’t to be perfect — it’s to become aware. Ask yourself:

• Am I expressing my feelings or avoiding them?

• Am I saying what I mean or expecting others to read between the lines?

• Am I speaking the truth in love, or using truth as a weapon?

Communication is a spiritual discipline. It requires humility, grace, and practice. The more we grow in awareness, the more we create space for safe, passionate, and honest connection.

Prayer for Communication in Relationships:

“Lord, help me to speak with courage and kindness. Teach me to express myself clearly, to listen with compassion, and to use my words to build, not break. Let truth and love be the foundation of all I say. Amen.”